Speak YOUR Truth

I have some very close friends. One, in particular, is my confidante and the person who most often lets me know when I am behaving in a way that reflects my ego-centric desires, rather than a person of spirit. We disagree on few areas, but there is one that I have adamantly remained opposed on. She states that most people are frightened by (and unprepared to) have meaningful conversations during every day life. Instead, most people prefer to have chit chat, gossip, or meaningless drivel to pass the time.

I disagree. My belief is that people behave this way, because they've learned that no one is truly interested in what they have to say. From early childhood, we were hushed, told to mind our manners, not to speak unless spoken to, or diminished for our comments. As we got older, if we were brave enough (or defiant enough) to speak our opinions, we were ridiculed, demeaned, argued with, or dismissed. Finally, as adults, we were told that it is not about your feelings, but instead about the bottom line. How you felt about any particular issue was a matter for private voting booths or debate clubs. It was not for check out line conversation.

I disagree.

Finally, as technology replaced human contact, we stopped using the social niceties that those of us over 40 were schooled in as children. There is no need to say hello or goodbye or to ask about someone's family during a text message. Instead, we use abbreviated language to give only directional information. Phone conversations are a thing of the past with instant messaging. In-person meetings are nearly never done, because it is much more convenient to use Facetime, Skype, or another technological marvel.

I disagree.

When we are genuine, we provide permission for all of those around us to stand in their own space and be genuine as well. There is some risk involved. Being authentic, speaking your truths, requires the ability to be vulnerable -- to allow others to see who you really are at your center, rather than the persona that we are taught to display over and over. If I am genuine, I am not always well. Sometimes, I'm sad or angry or sick. I needn't pretend that I'm the picture of perfect health and perfect attitude. Many people will now argue with me that we attract what we put out. I agree. I also believe that we must allow ourselves to honor what we feel. I can be sad or angry or depressed and speak to someone about it, honor that it is what I feel at the moment. I know that, of course, like all emotional states, it is transient and will pass.

If I refuse to acknowledge the emotional state, however, how genuine am I being? Am I not playing the same old game to pretend to be something I'm not -- in this case, happy when I'm not? How is that genuine? I also needn't delve into every emotion like a treasure hunt, looking for all possible causes and related issues. Some reflection is necessary if any state of being resides within me for any length of time (Yes! That's right! I'm saying that its not expected that I will always be happy. What a ludicrous thought?!). If a period of depression follows the death of a loved one, I would not consider this abnormal nor worthy of assessment. Instead, it is to be honored. Grief is a process, which can be beautiful in its raw pain if we allow it.

Life is a cycle. Its only absolute is the constant flow of change. I'm going to speak my truth. If someone asks me how I am, I will answer honestly. This does not mean that I will divulge intimate details of my life at the gas pump on a regular basis. It does mean that I will be genuine with those in my life. How dare I not be? Because if I fail to be genuine, I'm sending the message that I am unworthy, as are my feelings and thoughts and values and beliefs. And, the second message is that YOU are unworthy, also, because I don't trust you to share myself with you; nor, should YOU be real when I've clearly not done so.

I'm going to speak my truth. I'm going to allow space for everyone else to do so, as well. I will listen if you decide to talk about politics in the waiting room. Its okay if we don't agree on all issues, but isn't it a gift to treat each other with respect and discuss our thoughts? Sometimes, I'm not clear on my own beliefs until I've explained them to someone else. Sometimes, I don't know my own truth until it exits my mouth in sound.

We are connected. We have forgotten. We can remember.

Blessed Be.

Duality Contained Within

It took me years to accept the duality within myself. I just couldn't reconcile that I was both cruel and compassionate, violent and venerable, aggressive and avoidant, intelligent and idiotic, nurturing and negative. 

Then, once I did accept those things...not flagellate, not scream or repent my unworthiness...just accept that all of that is part of who and what I am; that I'm not condemned because of the parts of me that society deems 'bad.' Because, in the beginning, I saw those things that society teaches us are awful characteristics, and I tried to gouge them out of myself. The only thing I accomplished was to be left bleeding and sick. 

I am not created to please society. I am not created to please anyone. I am created for the Divine purpose fated to me. And, that purpose requires that I have the ability and willingness to protect myself, the strength to speak my truth against opposition, and the fortitude to protect those unable to stand with me. I do not fear to speak my opinion, even when its unpopular. I have learned to do so with tact, when needed. I can also stand, solidly on my truth without the need for external validation. This does not make me special. In fact, it makes me EXACTLY like everyone else. 

THEN, once I learned and accepted that these things existed within myself, I had to learn and accept that they existed inside EVERYONE else, too. People did not fit into a single category, the way I wanted to organize them: family member, friend, mentor, teacher, coworker, etc. They sometimes were more than one thing. It was only in the last year that I've learned to allow other people outside the categorically organized boxes in my mind. Some of the people in my life live in more than one file drawer...they are both my mentor, my friend, and my chosen family, for instance. As a result of the struggle I had, the discomfort, and the hurt feelings in 1 particular relationship -- a relationship far too important to me to release, one that I'd spent years building, and that entered my heart without my conscious consent -- I learned that it was ok for other people to have multiple purposes in my life and the lives of others. I took another step on the journey to being whole. 

Pain

What do you do when you're just not sure?
There are hard decisions to make and none of them seem right?
No matter which choice, there are consequences for each.
The consequences could be unbearable in every, single circumstance.

The panic rises and holds.
It grips.
It screams.
It binds.
It terrifies, because with panic, comes the fear.
It grips.
It screams.
It binds.
It terrifies.
It paralyzes; and, it preys upon every other emotion that surges upward.

Panic stays. Fear permeates.

Everything else bubbles and wanes....anger, resentment, fury, compassion, love, rejection, separation, impotency, deficiency, unworthiness.

Froth and fall.

Froth and fall.

Over and over and over and over.

Until only exhaustion remains.

Numbness wrought from exertion, from stillness in the face of misery.

And, powerlessness prevails. I cannot decide. I cannot control. I cannot prevent.

I can only bear witness.

Guides and Mentors...Illumination of "The Way"

I've had many people who led me in the right direction, along the path of my life. Some of them were quite cruel in their way, but shoved me hard to get back to the journey. That is the way of it, sometimes. Not everyone we meet is nice to us. Nor should they be.

Some of my best guides were also the angriest. 

That's not so, more recently. I got derailed from my journey for a while...complacent and stagnant in a job I hated, with people I didn't like, doing something I didn't believe in, working for those with no compassion. After the hard shoulders that I received from those people...the ones who made false accusations, the ones who whispered slander, the ones who refused to admit their parts. After those hard shoulders from miserable, angry, paranoid, controlling, and apathetic people, I found my way, again.

Because, MY way wasn't supposed to be spent going through steps with those people. MY way should have wound off in another direction many years before. But, as it is usually the case when I do NOT move in the direction that I was meant to, FEAR kept me in my place. Change frightened me. What I had was comfortable, even if it wasn't good. And, comfortable is better than nothing, right? WRONG.

So, off I went on my own path, following the beat of my proverbial drum. And, the drum led me back to a male mentor who'd been on the periphery for years, always cheering me on and encouraging me to do more. And, I listened, this time.

He was already a boss of sorts and helped me to transition into making my second job the primary one. I will always be grateful for his help and support. And, truth be told, there were really two men at the same place that helped that happen. When the first retired, the second promptly took over. Now, the second will be retiring and I often wonder what new person will enter my world.

At the same time that I made this journey, I met two new women. One became my guide in managing my addictions, leading me through a way of life that has allowed me to be happy, joyous, and free for nearly 4 years, now. For purposes of timelines, she helped me to recognize that I hated my previous job and supported my decision to leave it.

The second woman, I met at nearly the same time, just a few very short months later. Although I didn't know it at the time, she would become a spiritual leader in my life, someone who would lead me to explore my own beliefs, as well as to broaden the scope of my faith. And, finally, to widen my world so much that I was able to return to the understanding of my true passion and to begin taking steps toward making it happen.

It is her portrait that is in the works. Its not quite done yet. It will need another coat of poly and one more very important symbol. And, finally, it will need a frame. I don't usually frame my own work. Normally, I leave it to the person who ends up with it to do it in a style and manner that they wish, or not to do it at all. I admit, I am a fan of unframed works. But, this one, she demands a crown. So, a frame she will receive.

My artwork has changed. I don't know where it will go or what it will be. I don't have to.

I know that these people....these guides and mentors, teachers and punishers...they walk with me. Some of them only arrive on the crossroads, share a moment and go. Others are bound to me by spirit and soul in a recurrent and repetitive way that my own soul seems to recognize immediately.

I felt that with both of these women, and with the women that they both brought into my life. Today, I have a widening circle of sisters that I love dearly. Today, I can step into my power. Today, I can claim my own space.

Today, I can show others the way. I am often an accidental mentor, a momentary guidepost. Sometimes, I can gather others around me and walk with them for a longer while. I try to be conscious of my message. And, I trust the Divine to work through me when need be.

I try to always remember...ALWAYS...that "We're all just walking each other home" -- Ram Dass.

Blessed Be.

Future?

This morning, I was thinking about the big LIFE. Not the little 'what am I gonna do today' LIFE, but the big 'what the hell is the point of' my LIFE? And, I have to admit, I'm not sure. 

I painted this piece, then painted over it, so its gone, now, but I'm glad I took a picture of it before I did. At the time, I thought I was painting the moon's energy separating me from the fires of my past. Today, when I look at the photo, I realize that I was literally in flames. I had burned some bridges and was on fire, myself. 

Of course, I didn't know that, at the time. 

Today, I don't often experience the circumstance of 'going up in flames.' 

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I felt the burning desire to CREATE -- that internal push that says, "DO IT NOW!!"      

The feeling that gets you out of bed at 2 am, screaming, "I WON'T BE IGNORED!!" 

I got a bit disconcerted about that fact. Then, I realized. I don't feel that erratic, insane, diabolical, encompassing FIT to create, because I create ALL THE TIME. Yep. That's right. ALL THE TIME. 

I am in the process of working on 3 paintings, writing 1 short story, 1 essay for magazine submission, 1 full length book, and planting my gardens for the year. All of those things are going on in my life, in addition to working my job (teaching cannot possibly be denied as a creative pursuit even in the most inexperienced hands), mentoring people I truly enjoy (they know who they are), and participating in my family (watching my 3 grandchildren grow up at a pace that is amazingly quick from my perspective, loving my husband of more than a quarter century, and being a member of my family of choice). Add to each of those things that I am actively studying my spirituality as well as a myriad of things that garner my interest (from sci-fi to making shoes). I have passions --- more than a few. They fire my imagination and broaden my mind. 

I think I know what my path is, but I've no idea how to get there. I don't feel bad about that. My life is a study in synchronicity. When I'm supposed to move, opportunities present themselves. Until then, I just need to do as I should, living fully and purposefully in each moment. 

Blessed be.

My Oath

I look around me & see so many sad & troubling factors in life. I'm particularly disgusted with the governing bodies in my own nation, but also those of others. But, all those things return to 1 factor only: greed. I'm violently sickened by the pursuit of things/power/wealth/material goods above all other factors, including the health of our citizens & environment. I sometimes get angry & want to shake people out of their willful ignorance. (I know that its unlikely to do much good & to likely catch me a criminal charge, because routine touch in our society has become as taboo as pedophilia.) So, instead, I'll just keep speaking my truth. If you get tired of hearing it, I'll understand being deleted/unfollowed/unfriended. I learned long ago that some people choose blissful ignorance. I've been one of them, in the past -- numb from a variety of things that allowed me to ignore/look past what was right in front of my face; that allowed me to not face myself & the ugliness within; safely navigating around increasing fears without ever walking through them. Today, I'm awake. Today, I look for OTHER people who are awake...MLW

Willful Blindness Ted Talk

Corruption of Power (Ted Talk)

I am political, or rather, I am anarchist. I believe that our government has become irredeemable. Why have we allowed a few hundred people to control all aspects of our world? We outlaw raw milk in MD. FL forces all citizens to connect to the power grid, without their desire or consent. The ACA affects only 17% of the population...they still can't afford insurance, but are now being fined for not having it. Examples abound. I could continue the list ad infinitum. 

I feel violated and offended. I MUST push forward with my own truth, my own light and love and breath. I will continue to look for and bring forth the Divine Feminine. I will reclaim my power and plug into the Divine force flowing through the universe. I will find others who think like me. I will join, discuss, debate, and provide information to the larger environment. I will embrace this as my path of the moment. 

This is my belief of women's work....I am bound to the earth. I will not abandon it. I will conserve power, throw off the media-fueled messages that create a sense of inadequacy and embrace beauty in all things. I will treat each person, the planet, and all creatures with compassion. 

This is MY TRUTH. This is my oath. I want this to be my legacy. Blessed Be.

What do YOU want to leave behind? 

Who do YOU want to be?

How are YOUR actions and attitudes reflected in the world? 

Exploration

I've spent much of my life battling with inner demons. Nothing that any external source of struggle ever inflicted on me was (in any way) as powerful or deterministic as the ravages I visited upon myself.

After many years of self-defeating behavior and constant external focus, I became free of several addictions that I'd cultivated and indulged for 3 decades in 2010. Guess what happened? I developed new addictions. That's right. I went right ahead and moved on from substances and spending to food and dependency. As each new set of behaviors would enter my awareness (usually through the help, well-meaning or not, of others who were delighted to point these things out), I would respond the same way -- "my personality is addictive" and this is how I'm wired. That didn't help me, though. 

In reflecting upon that fact, recently, I've had to swallow some truths about myself. For me (and, I only speak for me, not to endorse the idea that its also someone else's experience), addiction was very much about avoidance of emotions that I felt unable to manage, consistent feelings of inadequacy, and diversion of responsibility. (NOTE: Much of this thought process is echoed in the book All is Well by L. Hay & M.L. Schultz, MD, PhD which is how this began to enter into my awareness in a consistent way.)

From a very young age, I felt 'different...damaged...unworthy.' I can look at some situations in my childhood and point to possible origins, but none of them fully explain it. Countless people had similar experiences to mine; yet, they did not use addiction as a coping mechanism. Awareness of all the research on brain interaction with addiction triggers, heredity, etc. also only provides a partial picture. 

And, as much as my very cognitive orientation despises it, I had to return to the emotional explanation. I was overwhelmed by emotion -- any emotion -- and I desperately sought numbness in any way I could. I never believed myself good enough, despite a myriad of successes that occurred over the course of my life nor by recognition and achievement that I regularly received from external sources. I was grossly responsible in most areas of my life -- to a fault, but had an intense and unreasonable need to completely shirk responsibility at some times, kind of the sociological concept of a 'moral holiday' where I could become thoroughly intoxicated or physically absent and do NOTHING that I was supposed to. Often, during those times, I would do nothing at all, or the complete opposite of what I should've been doing. Most often, the responsibility that I wished to eliminate was the care I owed to others who were close to me, to whom I was in a relationship with or had legal or moral responsibility for -- loyalty to my husband, emotional presence for my children, etc. 

And, in typical me-fashion, I'm sitting here wondering if anything I've written so far makes even the tiniest smidgen of sense. But, I'm going to press on, anyway. 

On the outside, I often look like one of 2 ends -- either all dazzle and spark, full of enthusiasm and energy; or, the opposite of that -- dull, neutral, hidden, and silent in a sulky way. My emotional intelligence is still developing, because I've only newly become accustomed to the presence of these pesky little feelings. I try to name them, to honor them (and myself) by experiencing them to the fullest capacity. And, I recognize that they are what they are -- transient. So, I can let them go when its time.

I do need to say that, even in the writing of this, I've gotten up from my laptop twice to search through the cabinets and fridge to find something to eat although I'm not hungry at all -- I have to work to recognize and manage the urge to 'stuff' emotions that come up, no matter the approach. This, alone, was the reason I decided to finish writing this entry, and to carry it through to the end. 

I don't know if I'll ever be fully recovered from my own internal deficiencies, or desire to compulsively eliminate discomfort in any form. I don't know if I'll ever cultivate the kind of authentic life that I yearn for, each day. I don't even know if I'll want to continue the pursuit in the future. So, instead, I'll focus on THIS moment. And, right now, I feel....

                    ..........worried.....................anxious.................overwhelmed....

...frightened...............exhilarated........fascinated....................hopeful...

..............serious...............aware.................afraid.................alive...........broken...

.......confident...............irrational.............uneasy....foolish...............loved.