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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

My Oath

I look around me & see so many sad & troubling factors in life. I'm particularly disgusted with the governing bodies in my own nation, but also those of others. But, all those things return to 1 factor only: greed. I'm violently sickened by the pursuit of things/power/wealth/material goods above all other factors, including the health of our citizens & environment. I sometimes get angry & want to shake people out of their willful ignorance. (I know that its unlikely to do much good & to likely catch me a criminal charge, because routine touch in our society has become as taboo as pedophilia.) So, instead, I'll just keep speaking my truth. If you get tired of hearing it, I'll understand being deleted/unfollowed/unfriended. I learned long ago that some people choose blissful ignorance. I've been one of them, in the past -- numb from a variety of things that allowed me to ignore/look past what was right in front of my face; that allowed me to not face myself & the ugliness within; safely navigating around increasing fears without ever walking through them. Today, I'm awake. Today, I look for OTHER people who are awake...MLW

I am political, or rather, I am anarchist. I believe that our government has become irredeemable. Why have we allowed a few hundred people to control all aspects of our world? We outlaw raw milk in MD. FL forces all citizens to connect to the power grid, without their desire or consent. The ACA affects only 17% of the population...they still can't afford insurance, but are now being fined for not having it. Examples abound. I could continue the list ad infinitum. 

I feel violated and offended. I MUST push forward with my own truth, my own light and love and breath. I will continue to look for and bring forth the Divine Feminine. I will reclaim my power and plug into the Divine force flowing through the universe. I will find others who think like me. I will join, discuss, debate, and provide information to the larger environment. I will embrace this as my path of the moment. 

This is my belief of women's work....I am bound to the earth. I will not abandon it. I will conserve power, throw off the media-fueled messages that create a sense of inadequacy and embrace beauty in all things. I will treat each person, the planet, and all creatures with compassion. 

This is MY TRUTH. This is my oath. I want this to be my legacy. Blessed Be.

What do YOU want to leave behind? 

Who do YOU want to be?

How are YOUR actions and attitudes reflected in the world? 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


I've spent much of my life battling with inner demons. Nothing that any external source of struggle ever inflicted on me was (in any way) as powerful or deterministic as the ravages I visited upon myself.

After many years of self-defeating behavior and constant external focus, I became free of several addictions that I'd cultivated and indulged for 3 decades in 2010. Guess what happened? I developed new addictions. That's right. I went right ahead and moved on from substances and spending to food and dependency. As each new set of behaviors would enter my awareness (usually through the help, well-meaning or not, of others who were delighted to point these things out), I would respond the same way -- "my personality is addictive" and this is how I'm wired. That didn't help me, though. 

In reflecting upon that fact, recently, I've had to swallow some truths about myself. For me (and, I only speak for me, not to endorse the idea that its also someone else's experience), addiction was very much about avoidance of emotions that I felt unable to manage, consistent feelings of inadequacy, and diversion of responsibility. (NOTE: Much of this thought process is echoed in the book All is Well by L. Hay & M.L. Schultz, MD, PhD which is how this began to enter into my awareness in a consistent way.)

From a very young age, I felt 'different...damaged...unworthy.' I can look at some situations in my childhood and point to possible origins, but none of them fully explain it. Countless people had similar experiences to mine; yet, they did not use addiction as a coping mechanism. Awareness of all the research on brain interaction with addiction triggers, heredity, etc. also only provides a partial picture. 

And, as much as my very cognitive orientation despises it, I had to return to the emotional explanation. I was overwhelmed by emotion -- any emotion -- and I desperately sought numbness in any way I could. I never believed myself good enough, despite a myriad of successes that occurred over the course of my life nor by recognition and achievement that I regularly received from external sources. I was grossly responsible in most areas of my life -- to a fault, but had an intense and unreasonable need to completely shirk responsibility at some times, kind of the sociological concept of a 'moral holiday' where I could become thoroughly intoxicated or physically absent and do NOTHING that I was supposed to. Often, during those times, I would do nothing at all, or the complete opposite of what I should've been doing. Most often, the responsibility that I wished to eliminate was the care I owed to others who were close to me, to whom I was in a relationship with or had legal or moral responsibility for -- loyalty to my husband, emotional presence for my children, etc. 

And, in typical me-fashion, I'm sitting here wondering if anything I've written so far makes even the tiniest smidgen of sense. But, I'm going to press on, anyway. 

On the outside, I often look like one of 2 ends -- either all dazzle and spark, full of enthusiasm and energy; or, the opposite of that -- dull, neutral, hidden, and silent in a sulky way. My emotional intelligence is still developing, because I've only newly become accustomed to the presence of these pesky little feelings. I try to name them, to honor them (and myself) by experiencing them to the fullest capacity. And, I recognize that they are what they are -- transient. So, I can let them go when its time.

I do need to say that, even in the writing of this, I've gotten up from my laptop twice to search through the cabinets and fridge to find something to eat although I'm not hungry at all -- I have to work to recognize and manage the urge to 'stuff' emotions that come up, no matter the approach. This, alone, was the reason I decided to finish writing this entry, and to carry it through to the end. 

I don't know if I'll ever be fully recovered from my own internal deficiencies, or desire to compulsively eliminate discomfort in any form. I don't know if I'll ever cultivate the kind of authentic life that I yearn for, each day. I don't even know if I'll want to continue the pursuit in the future. So, instead, I'll focus on THIS moment. And, right now, I feel....

Monday, March 3, 2014

Memories and Stitches

Today, I finished this cute hooded poncho for one of my granddaughters. I call her Pixie. She's 1 year old. The poncho is a birthday gift (yes, I was late getting it done).

I found the frogs on the pink polar fleece and couldn't resist getting a few yards to make the ponchos. I've got another cut and ready for stitching for my nearly 2 year old granddaughter, as well.

I don't know why, but my mind kept falling back to my Grandmother, who passed a few years ago at the age of 94. My Grandmother was a seamstress. She taught me to sew when I was a little girl. Its very much because of her that I know how to do the domestic things I do.

And, she was right about a lot of things. My mind kept going back to that, all day -- later, as I poured buttermilk into a cake, used butter in a soup. All day, my mind returned to her voice....spilling wisdom into my ears that I paid little attention to, at the time.

Here are some of the things she said:
1. If you're going to clean, you might as well do it right or you'll be doing it again, tomorrow.
2. Buttermilk is better for cooking and baking than regular milk.
3. Real butter, real FOOD matters.
4. If you grow it, you know where it came from AND you get it for free.
5. Never let a misbehaving spouse back in your bed right away. They'll think its all OK. Pretty soon, they'll be doing the same thing again.
6. Be careful with your body. When you get old, you'll feel every bump and bruise.
7. Be patient. Things will happen when they should.

It stuck in my head, Mom-mom, even if I didn't think it would. And, its true. I thought you should know.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Silly Things

There is nothing more wonderful than a rainy day (once the rain has begun to actually fall) with nothing pressing to do but pursuits of leisure and no where special to go.

Today, was one of those days.

I started very slow.

Didn't do much.

Puttered about a bit.

Made brunch......late.

Worked on some sketches for a friend's new delighted exchange for training she's providing.

I worked on the book I'm writing. I should probably start shopping it now that 3 chapters are complete and 4 is in the works. Side thought: Anyone know any publishers or literary agents? 

I finished up this piece "Woman in Time" that was waiting for the pocket watches to fall onto the canvas. 

I've been thoroughly enjoying play with the shape and metallic paint..........................Fun.................................Flashy.........................................Sparkly!

I didn't do much else.

I ate leftovers.

My granddaughter was molars, I think.

She's learning to drink from a cup.

I call her my little Pixie. She's one.

I texted and messaged to friends and beloveds.

My head hurt from the barometric pressure changes while I waited for the rain. Its begun to ease with the passage of the day. But, the ache was a reminder to treat myself gingerly. Its not a bad thing to have the occasional remember that I am delicate, too, sometimes.

I taught my Pixie's mother to make tuna noodle casserole. I can't eat it.

Everyone is quiet in my house, now. Its after 5 pm and I'm still wearing my pajamas from the night before.

I'm thinking of soaking in the hot hot bath with a good book and some tea. I've time to spare today.

Tomorrow, I will need to get some things done.


I'm not.