Wednesday, November 28, 2012
And, finally, she's done.
I realized, once I was able to trust myself with the last few strokes of the brush, what she was missing -- cool blues and greens.
It was when I looked at her, knowing she was complete that her name drifted into my head....while she stood in front of the water and the sky, she contains all of the elements -- brown and green for earth, blue for water, yellow for air, red for fire. Proud, arms lifted in joy, grounded and whole, she moves about the world, in absolute completion.....ELEMENTAL.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
I worked on her some more. She's a beauty, but she just doesn't seem to be speaking to me. So, back on the standing easel she went to rest until she decided to be more communicative.
Yesterday, was one of those days, for me. You know those days. The ones where everything you attempt takes an unintended turn and you're not sure where you were going, to begin with. Pretty much all my attempts went sideways, like that. I started a new project, just to get the first layer down, and to begin building the texture and the time. It took less time than I expected and didn't look like I envisioned. Honestly, I'm used to that. Rarely do they ever look like I imagine them, pre-process. Why do you think that is?
My opinion? Because I really don't know the big picture. I don't know where my life, or life as a whole, is headed. I don't know what is in store for me, or you, or even the planet. I have my opinions, and my guesses. But, they are not set in stone. In my mind, the glory of life is that it is revealed in bits...one sunrise at a time, one touch at a time, one smile at a time, one tear at a time, one ticking second at a time...until each experience builds, one upon another, like the texture of skin against silk, or fur against soil, or layers of paint.
Because, in the end, its not the years that we live that matters, its the feel of the moments in between.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Something amazing came to me, this morning, while meditating. That's not unusual. I often find truths while I'm using mindfulness techniques to focus my attention. I've had so many new realizations, recently, that I would argue that our time is not ending (as many doomsayers predict with the ending of the Mayan calender). Instead, I believe our time is evolving -- awakening, if you will. More and more of my friends are openly discussing things that have been previously ignored, repressed, and relegated to the realm of the insane. We are coming into our own, as a people, as a species. Yes, there are those who are resistant. Fear is powerful. Many will choose to stay unseeing in light of change. We need all voices to have a balanced perspective. So, I hold no ill will toward those who will disagree with me. We make our own reality, I believe, from our own values, perspectives, beliefs, and truths. They don't need to be the same, at any given time. I can still learn from everyone.
At any rate, let me share what I learned. It may not be anything awe-inspiring for anyone else, but it was paramount, for me. Here it is: I have a place. Sounds simple, right? It isn't. I've always felt apart, inadequate, undesirable, unwanted, and ill-prepared. I've always felt 'less than.' I don't know why. But, it has been my truth since my earliest memories. I've always known, deep in my very soul, that I was not 'good enough.' Today, I realized that its no longer true in that, I don't believe that, anymore. Today, I woke up and recognized that I have a place in the world -- people who I love and who love me back; several circles of fellows of similar mind; explanations for my idiosyncrasies.
In fact, my 'place' is right where I am. Maybe that's why I've been holding onto the nude I've been working on, above. I've been playing with a technique where I lay in the color, blending on the canvas instead of on the palate, slowly, deliberately, with great thought, layer after layer, over and over, building texture and depth. Isn't that what I've been doing with myself? The nude isn't done, yet; neither am I. But, we are both well on our path.
I'm so blessed.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Isn't it funny how you tend to hear the right thing, at just the right time? How the right time is usually the time when you are on the verge of a realization, but you need that last little push of recognition to jump over the barrier? I don't know about anyone else, but I feel as though I'm living in the time of awakening. All of a sudden, my life has brought me to so many thoughts that are truths in my heart.
One has been perking for quite a long time. I'm trained as a counselor. My theoretical perspective has always been one of the here-and-now. It is my belief that we needn't (and, really, shouldn't) delve deeply into the events of our pasts unless those events are impacting us in the present day. And, even then, to do so lightly and gently, because darkness is seductive. Many times, I've struggled with my own shadow. (For a perspective on this, read up on Carl Jung's body of work regarding the 'shadow self.') There is something sexy and lustful about allowing the darker images and tendencies of your personality to be free. The feeling is of absolute freedom. It is an illusion, of course. To reek havoc, with no consideration to others, is the trap of the shadow. It draws us in and fills us with overwhelming sensation so that we forget that we are connected to all things; that to harm others is to harm ourselves; that to have no consideration for the environment, is to discount us.
In keeping with this concept, I watched this vlog, this morning, from LilyWheel Slide Studio. And, my thoughts were echoed by another.
The other big truth that's recently come to mind is this: I need other people. For those of you that know me, you know this is not my normal state of affairs. I prefer my own company. I'm quite content to follow solitary pursuits, in education, in activity, and in faith. However, my Goddess has other plans for me, clearly. She doesn't talk to me, directly. Instead, she talks to me through other folks. So, if I want to grow, it is necessary that I seek out others like me to spend time with. This was a hard realization that was a long time coming through. I resisted it. Hard. And, I became stagnant.
Once I really embraced this truth, I found joy in spending time with others. That is not to say that I ignore my need for solitary activity, I do not. But, I have discovered that I'm spending an increasing amount of time with other people; and, that I enjoy it. There are few people I meet who I do not find something positive and admirable in. I know it sounds slightly unusual, and I am certainly not a lunatic with inappropriate boundaries who cannot see myself as separate from others, but its important I explain: It is not just that I feel and am connected to others. I require them. It is through others that I learn the lessons in life that cause me to evolve. It is through the influence of others that new concepts enter my mind, develop, process, and become fully realized truth. Of course, I believe that this process is reciprocal, so my influence on others is needed as well. What a concept! Basically, I've finally understood that EVERY voice is needed. In fact, those voices that I have an initial distaste for, are often needed the most. Yes, I gravitate toward like-minded folks, but even among us there is great diversity. Difference is a blessing, not a disappointment.
Other thoughts are perking, as well, recently...too many to share here or anywhere else. In the meantime, I pursue expression. I've been quite focused lately on texture and applying it to work.
After all, texture is, in fact, what I've been speaking about, above, I think. Funny how things are so synchronized, huh?
What textures are you adding to YOUR life?
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I've had this issue, lately. This total lack of interest. Perhaps, its the time of year. I've got several projects in process, but none actually moving toward completion. So, today, I'm going to gesso some used canvas and try to bring myself back into focus.
Because, sometimes, its not about the painting.
Sometimes, its about being quiet and still and waiting.
Sometimes, its time to gather and return to my own.
Because, sometimes, its taking stock of seeds sown.
What matters, while I sit at home?
Sometimes, its figuring the things of the Crone
Who tells me to rest and gather, alone.
Sometimes, it cuts me to the bone...
My fear and desire, the dark...
So unwieldy and furrowed, and stark.
I crawl into focus, single.
Senses and emotions commingle.
And, at the end of the night,
The moon shines so bright.
I know that I followed my soul
When, once again, I become whole. -- MLW