I've had many people who led me in the right direction, along the path of my life. Some of them were quite cruel in their way, but shoved me hard to get back to the journey. That is the way of it, sometimes. Not everyone we meet is nice to us. Nor should they be.
Some of my best guides were also the angriest.
That's not so, more recently. I got derailed from my journey for a while...complacent and stagnant in a job I hated, with people I didn't like, doing something I didn't believe in, working for those with no compassion. After the hard shoulders that I received from those people...the ones who made false accusations, the ones who whispered slander, the ones who refused to admit their parts. After those hard shoulders from miserable, angry, paranoid, controlling, and apathetic people, I found my way, again.
MY way wasn't supposed to be spent going through steps with those people. MY way should have wound off in another direction many years before. But, as it is usually the case when I do NOT move in the direction that I was meant to, FEAR kept me in my place. Change frightened me. What I had was comfortable, even if it wasn't good. And, comfortable is better than nothing, right? WRONG.
So, off I went on my own path, following the beat of my proverbial drum. And, the drum led me back to a male mentor who'd been on the periphery for years, always cheering me on and encouraging me to do more. And, I listened, this time.
He was already a boss of sorts and helped me to transition into making my second job the primary one. I will always be grateful for his help and support. And, truth be told, there were really two men at the same place that helped that happen. When the first retired, the second promptly took over. Now, the second will be retiring and I often wonder what new person will enter my world.
At the same time that I made this journey, I met two new women. One became my guide in managing my addictions, leading me through a way of life that has allowed me to be happy, joyous, and free for nearly 4 years, now. For purposes of timelines, she helped me to recognize that I hated my previous job and supported my decision to leave it.
The second woman, I met at nearly the same time, just a few very short months later. Although I didn't know it at the time, she would become a spiritual leader in my life, someone who would lead me to explore my own beliefs, as well as to broaden the scope of my faith. And, finally, to widen my world so much that I was able to return to the understanding of my true passion and to begin taking steps toward making it happen.
My artwork has changed. I don't know where it will go or what it will be. I don't have to.
I know that these people....these guides and mentors, teachers and punishers...they walk with me. Some of them only arrive on the crossroads, share a moment and go. Others are bound to me by spirit and soul in a recurrent and repetitive way that my own soul seems to recognize immediately.
I felt that with both of these women, and with the women that they both brought into my life. Today, I have a widening circle of sisters that I love dearly. Today, I can step into my power. Today, I can claim my own space.
Today, I can show others the way. I am often an accidental mentor, a momentary guidepost. Sometimes, I can gather others around me and walk with them for a longer while. I try to be conscious of my message. And, I trust the Divine to work through me when need be.
I try to always remember...ALWAYS...that "We're all just walking each other home" -- Ram Dass.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
This morning, I was thinking about the big LIFE. Not the little 'what am I gonna do today' LIFE, but the big 'what the hell is the point of' my LIFE? And, I have to admit, I'm not sure.
I painted this piece, then painted over it, so its gone, now, but I'm glad I took a picture of it before I did. At the time, I thought I was painting the moon's energy separating me from the fires of my past. Today, when I look at the photo, I realize that I was literally in flames. I had burned some bridges and was on fire, myself.
Of course, I didn't know that, at the time.
Today, I don't often experience the circumstance of 'going up in flames.'
Honestly, I can't remember the last time I felt the burning desire to CREATE -- that internal push that says, "DO IT NOW!!"
The feeling that gets you out of bed at 2 am, screaming, "I WON'T BE IGNORED!!"
I got a bit disconcerted about that fact. Then, I realized. I don't feel that erratic, insane, diabolical, encompassing FIT to create, because I create ALL THE TIME. Yep. That's right. ALL THE TIME.
I am in the process of working on 3 paintings, writing 1 short story, 1 essay for magazine submission, 1 full length book, and planting my gardens for the year. All of those things are going on in my life, in addition to working my job (teaching cannot possibly be denied as a creative pursuit even in the most inexperienced hands), mentoring people I truly enjoy (they know who they are), and participating in my family (watching my 3 grandchildren grow up at a pace that is amazingly quick from my perspective, loving my husband of more than a quarter century, and being a member of my family of choice). Add to each of those things that I am actively studying my spirituality as well as a myriad of things that garner my interest (from sci-fi to making shoes). I have passions --- more than a few. They fire my imagination and broaden my mind.
I think I know what my path is, but I've no idea how to get there. I don't feel bad about that. My life is a study in synchronicity. When I'm supposed to move, opportunities present themselves. Until then, I just need to do as I should, living fully and purposefully in each moment.