Revelations and Lack of Coffee

For as long as I can remember, I've been a hard-core, two-fisted coffee drinker. Huge tumblers of it in the morning, more in the afternoon, even more in the evening. When the weather was hot, I drank it iced. I really never wanted anything else to drink. Ever. And, then, the worst thing ever ... caffeine toxicity. O-M-G!

Apparently, it is not a good idea to drink large amounts of caffeine for long periods of time. I was so violently sick. So, I switched to green tea, thinking the lower amounts and gentler acidity would work. Um. NOPE.

Next, I tried decaf. NOPE. The acid tore my stomach up. SO, decaffeinated herbal teas it is. And, one more thing falls away. The funny thing was: I never got angry. Or sad. Or upset at all.

Its been a month of revelations.

I was promoted at work. And, I'm currently sitting in a position that I never, in a million years, imagined for myself. Yet, the fit is ideal. Other people have said that they envisioned me in this role. I never did.

After many years of spiritual study along a specific path, I finally conceded that it didn't fit at all. And, I let those tags fall away, as well as many of the people that went with them. There were some angry responses from some folks. And, I (once again) had to consider my definition of friend. While I adore and appreciate many friendships that are really confined to Facebook, I recognize that they are largely restricted to an online environment and unlikely to stand the test of loyalty in the real world. Everyone, clearly, doesn't agree with my opinion in that arena. That's OK.

I stopped responding to the PMs. I thought about whether I should give people the benefit of accepting their feelings for their closure. But, I concluded that I didn't have the extra emotional energy, and that its really not up to me to provide that. And, I stopped reading them. I've no ill will toward any one of those people, no matter what they said in the PM. They feel how they do. That's their right.

And, I'll go back to seeking the spiritual path that I belong to. I know my beliefs. I would just like a like-minded community. I haven't found it, yet, and have often wondered if it was because I was supposed to build it. But, that will be fodder for another wander.

In the meantime, I have noticed, time and again, that pieces keep falling away. Instead of new things being added, I seem to drop things instead. And, they are usually things that no longer serve me, but have instead become weights to carry....

....insecurity
..........false paths
..................acquaintance and ungenuine relationships
..............................responsibility for others' feelings and decisions
..........................................conformity to avoid loneliness
......................................................fear of risk
.................................................................old wounds
.............................................................................past patterns
.........................................................................................masks and misrepresentations

And, as each drops off, I become more me.