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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Part Two: Activation: Learning to Feel

Starting today for my twice weekly time spent doing my online painting class, AROUSE, I met with the same stiffness and soreness as previous in this second part of the class. The soreness is particularly around my head, neck, and shoulders. It came as no surprise to me, today, as I worked with the concept of emotion.
I call this section of the painting Water. Emotion has never been my most comfortable element. I spent years of addictive behavior trying to remove all emotion from my being, mostly because of my inability to effectively deal with them. I earned the reputation of being "not a touchy person," "cold...icy..." I could take the list on and on. In truth, I revelled in that lack of feeling. I was safe and isolated, there. If I never exposed myself to anyone, they did not have the ability to hurt me. Unfortunately, I spent decades of my life, that way. It is one of the most profound ways that I've held myself back.

What I'd forgotten, was that emotions can be pleasurable as well as painful. Today, I'm willing to take the trade. In fact, there's amazing beauty in pain...something poignant and raw and elemental that is freeing. And, that is true whether its personal or shared. I would not ever be willing to part with the moments of pain in the last few years. Not the ones I talked about, nor the ones I've kept in my heart. And, certainly not those ones where I had the true gift of sitting with someone else through their pain. There is just no comparison to those experiences. They are mystical.  

And, in essence, what is life, if not experience? It is, in the end, all that we have. I work to stay in the moment, so that I improve my awareness and notice those things that I might otherwise miss. I can feel my emotions, acknowledge them, experience them. I don't need to interpret them. I needn't rip them up, exposing the root, forever damaging the energy by analyzing them to their death. I prefer to think of emotions as a warm, summer breeze....floating by. Sometimes, swiftly. Sometimes, slowly. Sometimes, pungent. Sometimes, sweet. All precious.
What do you feel? Recognition doesn't require action. Sometimes, just noticing is all that matters. What do you notice?
Blessed be!

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